My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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