My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
