I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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