I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
