I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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