Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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