I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
