Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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