I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Be still, my beating vagina.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
