What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
