Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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