someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
the day after is always just damage control
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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