My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
