dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
