Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
