It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
