the condom got lost in my hair
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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