i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
