i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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