i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
