Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
