I wish my penis had an off switch
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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