Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Girls should come with a carfax report
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
