1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
