just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
