I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
