I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
my poor anus
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.