Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
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I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
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You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!