There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
