Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
