they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
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She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
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Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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