Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
