oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
