im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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