She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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