I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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