i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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