I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
