Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
