dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
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For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
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Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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