I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
smell my finger.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
