My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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