onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
