im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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