Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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