I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
