i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
