During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
