life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
