he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
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Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
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your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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