college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
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they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
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Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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