I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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