don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
