We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
