His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
