Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
