dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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