I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
