cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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