i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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