Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
