Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
How external is "for external use only"?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
