matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
