watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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